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Personality

On this page is a description of how I regard myself. I feel it is fairly realistic (namely, much angst and doom!). I do tend to “self-diagnose” myself as having various disorders, so perhaps only an expert could accurately diagnose me.

Overview

My personality can be summarized as “difficult”! I’m not particularly likeable or loveable; I don’t have a bright, sunny personality. I am prone to depression and melancholy, and can be bad-tempered and contrary (you don’t want to be anywhere near me when I’m in a bad mood!). I can be lazy and apathetic, and find it hard to motivate myself to do anything (which is why my life has gone nowhere in the last decade or so – due to a kind of inertia) – though if I really want something I can put in an effort (such as learning to use a computer, etc.). I am nervous of trying anything new, though once I am comfortable with a situation I am okay.

I tend to have a more negative view of things, though I feel this is perhaps a more realistic way of viewing the world.

I have, so far, had a relatively stable and sheltered life – i.e. not abused, grown up in a war zone, etc. So why I have turned out so messed up is a mystery! I am grateful that I am otherwise relatively healthy, with all four limbs intact. (And I am aware that life is uncertain, and that things could change at any time.)

I am naturally shy, uncomfortable around strangers – this is mostly genetic and thus is just part of my nature. I will never be gregarious; I am hopeless at making conversation and dislike social gatherings such as parties; I don’t have a social life to speak of. (Or, for that matter, friends in my age group.) My instinct when seeing a stranger is to hide. I am really only comfortable around people I know well, such as family members. (On the Internet it is somewhat different, as people are disembodied entities and thus easier to communicate with.)

I am also shy around children; never know how to speak to them. My own nieces and nephews do not know me as I have never met them due to this discomfort.

I probably sound much more confident and articulate in writing than I am in reality (which is to say, not at all), but it is as though a different me can come out when writing, one that is normally hidden deep inside me.

I started getting depression as a teenager (15 years old/1985), and have been depressed on and off since then. In fact it seems to be part of my personality now. I have felt numb and dead inside for years, and I can’t get much enjoyment out of anything. It’s one reason why I avoid socializing – I’m like this human black hole that is a negative presence. (Dysthymia seems to be an accurate description of how I am.)

I feel hollow, like a void, like I am nothing; that I have no identity and no purpose. My life so far has been pointless and meaningless. That the only thing which keeps me motivated each day are my interests and daydreams, and without these – and underneath them – I am an empty shell, a non-person. I wrote these two verses in 2000 that express this inner emptiness:

There are no stars here
When I close my eyes
I am alone in this darkness
In the Universe of my mind.

The void of space
Is the void within me
There is only emptiness
Where my soul should be.

Part of this feeling comes from never having found my purpose in life, such as a fulfilling career. I wish I could escape myself, or be someone else. As a human I feel rather useless and worthless (and that is something I sometimes ask myself: what is my value as a person? I can’t come up with a positive answer.)

I seem to be unable to do things in moderation; any interest becomes obsessive. My attempt at losing weight in 1988 turned into an eating disorder. I suspect I have an addictive personality; if I were exposed to alcohol or drugs I would become an addict. I distinctly recall a classmate saying to me in 1987, in reference to some problems I was having: “You’ve gone from the sublime to the ridiculous.”

Asperger’s Syndrome?

I first read about – and learned of – Asperger’s Syndrome (a condition related to autism) in this article, “From Einstein to Gates, the new autism”, in 2001 and realized that I had many of the traits described in the newspaper article (though I disagree with some of its generalizations, such as the “poor imagination”). It only received widespread attention in the 1990s, though it has likely been around for much of human evolution. It is not a “disorder” in the manner of one such as schizophrenia, but can nonetheless be debilitating, as society is generally a hostile place for “Aspies”. (I might add that I dislike the militant “us against them” hostility evident amongst some Asperger’s groups on the Internet.)

I have not been professionally diagnosed (I have not seen any psychiatrists for years), thus I can’t say for certain that I do have the condition, but I think there’s a fairly good chance I do (or something similar to it).

Profile of a person with Asperger’s Syndrome (from the AS Support Network in Victoria, Australia):

The typical person with Asperger’s Syndrome is a loner who never quite fits in because of eccentric behavior, peculiar ways of speaking and a lack of social skills. He or she may be interested in social relationships but lacks the ability to understand and use the rules governing social behavior … People with Asperger’s Syndrome may graduate from regular schools and hold down jobs, but they are often disadvantaged by their odd behavior and resistance to change. They have difficulty establishing relationships and other children often refuse to return to their homes to play with them. Older children may over time withdraw from the uncomfortable interactions which characterized their early years and retreat into the safety of their family, or even isolate themselves from their family. They may feel rejected but do not understand how their behavioral responses contributed to their isolation.

Since childhood, I have had the vague feeling that I was weird or “different”. I always have had difficulty relating to and interacting with other people and making eye contact (eye contact is something I seem to find especially traumatic and uncomfortable). I have never been good at social interaction, though I have managed to learn some discretion, and not to blurt out the first (usually inappropriate) thought that comes into my head! But I still cringe when remembering embarrassing gaffes I made in the past. As for entertaining small talk and being the life of the party … forget it. The only time I am comfortable at social gatherings is when I know and am with people familiar to me (i.e. family members). I have not, however, had a social life for years (perhaps not ever, really).

I am no good at showing sympathy or comforting people; I never know how to say the right words.

I have had (and have) many obsessions and interests (this website being the product of some!). I tend to focus on one interest to the exclusion of everything else, and can only write about or draw that particular interest.

My life in the real world has been a miserable failure so far, and I’ve had no career or profession to speak of. No one knew of Asperger’s when I was at school, so it is far too late for any intervention program now.

I really can’t cope with life in the real world at all – it is too chaotic, hostile and overwhelming – and I do not like to think too much about my dismal future prospects (particularly job prospects, which with my lack of qualifications means only soul-destroying menial jobs, such as the one I wasted 12 years in). I don’t know how I will cope once my parents have gone. I suppose there is some comfort in that I will one day be dead, and not have to endure forever (I couldn’t imagine a worse fate than being immortal!).

In 2003 there was screened on TV a documentary, “Japan: The Missing Million”, about the hikikomori phenomenon, where Japanese teenagers shut themselves away in their bedrooms for years sometimes, becoming recluses. I kind of did the same thing after having a nervous breakdown in Year 12 at school (1988) and quitting; I stayed in my bedroom for a few months (can’t remember how long exactly), extremely depressed. Then, after stuffing up some opportunities, I again retreated and over the years became a semi-recluse, to where I am now. I have been like this so long that I am terrified of trying anything new in case I fail again.

One thing that has been my main and constant refuge is my imagination. Since childhood I have constantly fantasized and daydreamed, creating imaginary worlds and characters. At times I think this is my only motivation to go on living! If reading, or listening to music, I always have this subconscious visualization going, as though a movie is running through my mind.

I sometimes feel that I would be happier living in some form of virtual reality (like the enslaved humans in the first The Matrix movie), where I could be anything I wanted to be. I have spent my life living inside my head rather than the real world – the latter is mostly a tedious distraction. Other times I feel like retreating into a dark cave somewhere and hiding there until I die!

I am uncomfortable around other people, yet I still long for social contact and closeness, and I do not like to be lonely (as most people wouldn’t). Perhaps my relative isolation has made me self-aware to an unusual degree, but it is not a particularly happy way to be (I think too much). The Internet is one way of alleviating this; I have received many e-mails I get from people who visit my site, and I feel a little less isolated (though this can feel like communing with disembodied ghosts).

I notice that some of the sites I visit there is a theme of otherness, as though Aspies are from a different realm or planet. I wonder if I was a changeling, and the normal version of me lives somewhere else!

Some high-functioning autistic adults have come to identify with changelings (or other replacements, such as aliens) for this reason and their own feeling of being in a world where they don’t belong and of practically not being the same species as the “normal” people around them.

I sometimes fantasize about having an Artificial Intelligence to talk to. It would be a disembodied entity with a neutral gender, and would be ever-patient and non-judgemental, a reassuring presence. It would never laugh at me or betray me. Sadly, AI is a long way from this level of development (if it is ever possible!).

Possible AS traits

Some traits I have (that may be AS, or just my personality):

  • I intensely dislike eye contact. A description I read is that eye contact is as uncomfortable as looking into glaringly bright headlights (and, incidently, having bright headlights blinding me incites feelings of intense rage).
  • I dislike wearing certain clothing fabrics; I can’t bear the feel of wool next to my skin as the wool is rough and uncomfortable. I also hate those neck tags attached to clothing – I have to remove them as they are scratchy and uncomfortable.
  • I dislike loud/sudden noises. One thing I hate is the squealing of car tyres when people accelerate suddenly (this happens frequently at an intersection near my parents’ home and really aggravates me).
  • I usually dislike physical contact with others/being touched.
  • I am hopeless at finding the right words to say when someone is upset, or comforting people, so I try to avoid such situations.
  • I get very attached to places and objects, and find change upsetting (e.g. housing developments in my neighborhood mean the loss of familiar places). I want my surroundings and the people I know to remain the same forever, though this is of course unrealistic.
  • I like predictability and stability; I prefer order to chaos. I work best when I understand exactly what to do. I am not good at showing initiative or leadership, or interacting with others. This is one reason why I hate how the labor market has changed since the 1980s, and especially since conservative PM John Howard came into power – jobs now are insecure and you are expected to be “flexible” and to “sell yourself”. On a more general level, it is also why I prefer socialist-type societies (where the government looks after people) to economic rationalist/neoliberal ones (where people have to fend for themselve and compete against others for jobs, etc.).
  • I used to rock back-and-forth when seated, and side-to-side when lying in bed. I found the movement aided my thoughts and daydreaming.
  • I have routines and I generally follow them strictly! For example I arise at the same time every morning (around 4:45 a.m.), have a shower at the same time every evening, and so on. I don’t mind a break from this occasionally, however.
  • Sensory issues: I am hypersensitive to certain noises and sensations. Some examples of these are the sound of someone chewing gum (or noisy eaters generally), the aforementioned scratchy labels on clothing, car stereo systems with loud bass speakers (thump-thump-thump) and fluorescent lighting (too bright and harsh). These may seem trivial or silly, but they can be seriously aggravating!

Psychologist’s letter

This is an edited letter from a psychologist I was seeing in 1988. I had an eating disorder at this time, which affected my behavior on top of my other psychological problems.

I first saw her on 5/9/88, then she continued to see me at regular intervals till 1/12/89.

Suzanne was referred for the following reasons:

  • unable to go to school
  • unable to relate to parents
  • very limited contact with peer group
  • a severe obsessive, compulsive condition regarding food, weight and exercise.

On her first visit she appeared to be lost, totally lacking in confidence, shy, withdrawn and while outwardly calm, she was inwardly seething with repressed anger. At a later visit, the mother raised a query of schizophrenia and stated “her troubles started when she was born – the nurses made me hold back with her until the doctor came. This was a long period of time. As an infant Suzanne was never affectionate, a long history of head banging and compulsive rocking and crying day and night. I grew to dislike her.”

Intelligence testing with the W.I.S.C. showed her to be well above average in ability. The outstanding features of her projective emotional tests showed the following traits:

Extremely reserved; schizoid personality; very low ego strength; almost no emotional control; very low super ego; expedient attitude, evades rules and obligations; a high degree of suspicion concerning all people; severely tense, apprehensive and depressively troubled.

As I stated earlier, I saw her for a period of nearly twelve months. Her response to psychotherapy was not good but we were able to improve her communication, particularly with her father. With her father’s assistance, she applied for and gained an apprenticeship as a trainee aircraft mechanic. Suzanne was given every opportunity to succeed in this course but could not cope living as a boarder away from home, nor could she relate to or cope with the other apprentices or the staff. Her father had to bring her back home.

Other than for a part-time job with […] (apparently she has a good record here) she stays at home, preoccupied with food and exercise, still not able to cope with people to the extent that she is unable to eat with her parents – insists on cooking her own meals and eating in the privacy of her own room.

I read this letter in 2008 (Mum dug it up out of a storage box) and some of it is quite surprising! I did seem to have autistic/Asperger’s tendencies from a very young age, judging from that statement by Mum, and a great difficulty in bonding with, and relating to, other people. I was an unlikeable child – if I had a child like that I would probably end up killing it! But I have no desire to have children, so there is no concern about that.

I have not coped well with life and social demands and am still a recluse, so in that sense I have not changed.

Schizoid personality?

Another definition that fits me well, as noted in the letter extract above, is that of a schizoid personality. The criteria for this, according to the ICD-10, includes at least 4 of the following:

  • Emotional coldness, detachment or reduced affection
  • Limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others
  • Consistent preference for solitary activities
  • Very few (if any) close friends or relationships, and a lack of desire for such
  • Indifference to either praise or criticism
  • Taking pleasure in few, if any, activities
  • Indifference to social norms and conventions
  • Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection
  • Lack of desire for sexual experiences with another person

Many of these overlap with Asperger’s traits, so I seem to have aspects of both.

Suicide

Thoughts of suicide entered my mind around 1986-1987, from about 15 years or so; I can’t recall the exact details (i.e. how the idea occurred to me and where I first learned of the concept). That was when depression began to seriously plague me. So far, though, I have never attempted suicide. I simply lack the courage to – most methods are painful, require a lot of effort and are not always effective. If one should survive a suicide attempt, you could end up permanently maimed (physically or mentally) and be even worse off than before! (See “How Not to Commit Suicide” by Art Kleiner.) I did write out a list of “Reasons for” and “Reasons against”, and the first was much longer! But as I have a passive personality I can’t motivate myself to take that drastic step.

Suicide is always in the back of my mind as a “get-out clause” should life become unbearable, though whatever happens in my life I will eventually end up dead anyway – that inevitability provides an odd sort of comfort. I will not have to endure myself forever.

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